I’ve been waiting for a while to write a post such as this; countless spiral notebooks and leather bound journals tucked underneath my bed or tossed very vulnerably on the floor, can testify (as can my mom, who has not-so-sneakily riffled through every single one. People don’t forget, MOM). Each one filled with detailed plot summaries written after date nights, prom nights and high school parties, scratched and scribbled pros and cons lists, most of which ending with a giant declaration of incredibly well thought out approval: “OMG SO CUTE, YES!” circled in hearts. And finally, without fail, one final entry filled with angst and annoyance, a violent pen-to-paper routine detailing the downfall; can’t make up his mind, asked a different girl to prom, too busy for a girlfriend, I’m way too good for him, smokes way too much pot, made out with my bff, suddenly goes AWOL, and my all time favorite; SURPRISE! He’s had a girlfriend this whole time!!! (this list is not entirely made up of personal experiences and excuses I’ve been dealt or have dealt, but that last one definitely happened). Boys are f#*%ing dumb.

[quick pause to contemplate whether or not I’m actually hitting publish on this one]

In a perfect world, there’d be some way to get back the countless hours every girl everywhere has ever spent carefully analyzing the *deep meaning* behind every syllable in every text message, every inflection of every word in every conversation, every side-glance, ambiguous hand gesture (I’m talking, high five, quick hug, pound it, does he want to hold hands, did he not wave back because he didn’t see me?????), every emoji sent, every disappearing selfie ever snapped; every everything that every guy everywhere has ever done.

I won’t even pretend to act like I’m embarrassed to be admitting all of this because it is, without doubt, the painfully honest routine of, as stated, every girl everywhere. And that’s a problem because while boys are, as stated, f#*%ing dumb, girls are too. We let boys tear us down and kill our confidence and minimize that happy disposition that we should all be basking in, whether for 5 minutes or 5 months, it happens. They bring a new level of crazy into our lives and make us do ridiculous shit; re-route your path to class for a better chance of bumping into him on campus, “accidentally” send that text message that was totally meant for bff eyes only (“omg last night was so fun, he’s so funny! I hope he likes me back! oops wrong text, but hey what’s up?!”), spend 2 hours filtering that pic from last night ’cause, like, he follows you on Instagram now and “does my arm look skinny???”, purchase that [insert his favorite NFL team here] jersey, ’cause you LOVE sports and coincidentally, all the same teams he does! Go team! We stalk, we sulk, we sneak, we snicker, we click and scroll and dig and dish and it’s all f#*%ing dumb. (again, not all personal experiences, I promise you, but thanks to my girlfriends for offering up some real life examples).

In big ways or small, no matter how sure of yourself you are or how many times you tell yourself and your girlfriends that you don’t need no man, boys make us all feel some type of way at some point in time; good or bad, most times undecided. It’s sad and it’s true and it’s totally messed up.

So next time the opposite sex has you acting in a pathetically un-chill, borderline robotic, completely out-of-character, totally psychotic way, take a step back. Put your phone down cause that text ain’t comin’ and you have no business striking up another dead end conversation. Stop stalking, stop stressing and tell the voice inside your head to zip it; the reason he’s not calling is NOT because you opted for Chipotle instead of the salad bar at lunch today and no, everything in your closet does not make you look fat.

Fall out of the rigidly confined, gender-normative ways that you’ve fallen victim to and get it together. Because we’ve all been here, played this infuriating game of he-said-she-said, what-does-he-mean-by-XYZ, why-won’t-he-text-me-back, maybe-there’s-someone-else, maybe-I’m-not-pretty-enough, bullshit.

So really, take a minute to collect yourself, confidently declare to all your friends that you just “literally, can’t” anymore, and then actually, literally, don’t. We’re better than this.

Girl power & good vibes, my friends.

[Does this post get me one step closer to becoming Andie Anderson???]

P.S. They’re not all terrible and dumb. Shout out to the lots of awesome dudes in my life, past, present and always.

P.P.S. In case I didn’t paint an accurate picture for you, Ben Folds does a pretty decent job here and come to think of it, also here. Enjoy.


3 thoughts on “BOYS.

  1. YES girlfriend, preach!! I love this most. And to all ya ladies, from someone who survived this crap and is now on the other side: one day you’re probably going to marry one of these boos (one of the good ones, that is), whose texts and emojis and lack of exclamation points you stressed over for so long, and one day later you’re going to laugh because you realize like so many of the other f#*%ing dumb boys, none of it actually meant anything of note. He really is just weirdly formal at texting, never likes anything on Facebook, and doesn’t understand the concept of emojis because he didn’t get a cell phone until he was a sophomore in college. So don’t stress. Post that ‘gram not for him, but because you look cute and your arms ARE super skinny. xo

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